My greatest struggle...

John 15:18-27

¹⁸ “If the world hates you, know that it has hated me before it hated you. ¹⁹ If you were of the world, the world would love you as its own; but because you are not of the world, but I chose you out of the world, therefore the world hates you.²⁰ Remember the word that I said to you: ‘A servant is not greater than his master.’ If they persecuted me, they will also persecute you. If they kept my word, they will also keep yours.²¹ But all these things they will do to you on account of my name, because they do not know him who sent me. ²² If I had not come and spoken to them, they would not have been guilty of sin,^[c] but now they have no excuse for their sin. ²³ Whoever hates me hates my Father also. ²⁴ If I had not done among them the works that no one else did, they would not be guilty of sin, but now they have seen and hated both me and my Father.²⁵ But the word that is written in their Law must be fulfilled:‘They hated me without a cause.’
²⁶ “But when the Helper comes, whom I will send to you from the Father, the Spirit of truth, who proceeds from the Father, he will bear witness about me. ²⁷ And you also will bear witness,because you have been with me from the beginning."

This was the passage we went through today and this is my greatest struggle, my sin I commit over and over and over.  I do not want the world to hate me.  I want the world to accept me.  I am afraid of even the smallest persecution.  So I gossip, I agree, I try to not stand out.  I get nervous when I have an opportunity to tell someone I am praying for them.  I trip over my words when I'm asked what I did and the answer is small group, church, worship, bible study... Every night I ask for forgiveness and pray for courage to do better the next day.  I pray that Blythe does not inherit my concern with what the world thinks.  I think at the end of the day, could anyone even tell that I'm a christian? 

People are imprisoned, beaten, killed, tortured for their faith all around the world, and yet I am afraid that someone might look at me different or not want to talk to me if they knew about my faith in Christ.  Yes, I can write in my blog and share it on facebook, but that is not enough.  I am not doing what I am called to do.  I am not relying on His Spirit to uphold me in those times I need courage.  I am failing miserably.  So what do I do? The only thing I know how... I do not give up the fight.  I continue to ask for forgiveness and pray to do better.  I pay attention when Christ speaks to me through scripture and teachings. I confess.  I pray. I pray. I pray.  

He has chosen me to not be a part of this world and that is the greatest news of my life.   I should glory in this, because the world God has given me is far greater.

A bittersweet ending...

So Friday, June 7th, was my last official day as a teacher.  My final day did not feel like I expected.

The weeks and even months leading up to this day had been filled with pure excitement and anticipation for the year to end.  This was not because I hated my job or anything, but this school year was especially difficult.  Since Blythe was born in September, I didn't start the year until the end of November.  With Thanksgiving and Christmas break I really didn't get in the swing of things until January.  My students were, however, already in full swing and I had to come in to "let's see what we can get away with" attitudes.  I was working with a different team of teachers this year and I HATED LEAVING BLYTHE EVERYDAY! I know I was just leaving her with my mom, but I wanted to spend so much more time with her.  I also never understood just how hard it was to be a working mom and I never realized how little sleep you can actually get and still function the next day!

So when I started my count down at 20 weeks before the school year ended, all I was thinking about was 20 weeks until I get to see Blythe all day, 15 weeks until we can take naps together after she's been up all night, 10 weeks until I get to be the one to take her to the park, 5 weeks until I never have to be cussed at by a particular student again, 3 weeks until I can do laundry during the week instead of wasting my Sunday, 1 week until I can actually make dinner for my husband again ( I wasn't really looking forward to that one but it needed to be done!)...

I was not thinking about all the people I would miss.  I was not thinking about the students who crack me up every day.  I was not thinking about how much joy I get when a student tells me I'm their favorite teacher.  I was not thinking about the joy my 4th period class had when I told them they all passed our end of course exam.  I was not thinking about how for so many of my students I am the only one they see all day that truly cares about them.  I was not thinking about how few opportunities I'll have to use permanent markers now!  I was not thinking about the ones in my homeroom who crowded around my desk every morning to tell me about all the events in their life, how one boy would always have to stop everybody and say "It's my turn now!"  I was not thinking about who was going to listen to their stories now.  I was not thinking about Tina and Rebecca cracking me up every day and sharing our lives with each other.  I was not thinking about all the things I will miss about teaching and miss at Shaw Middle School.

So my final day was not filled with cart wheels and hoops and hollers of excitement like I thought.  It was filled with worry about what I am if I'm not a teacher, with sadness about who and what I will miss, with joy for knowing I get to pour into my daughter and husband like I haven't been able to while working, with some excitement that all change brings, and with a little fear of how this new phase in life will go.

To sum up: I will miss teaching.  I will miss my students (even the butt cracks!), but I am going to go play with my daughter :)

Until next time...