Christmas 2011

Our small group adopted a family for Christmas this year!  I worked a little with the organization Project Joy and Hope last year, and I wanted to go through them again. The organization helps families with children who need medical attention and struggle doing life and medical bills.  Sometimes they provide the family a place to live, help pay medical bills, provide items they need.  They are on facebook so check them out! I contacted the organization at the beginning of December to ask for a family to adopt.  When I got Ms. Wheeler, one of the ladies who runs Project Joy and Hope, on the phone she was telling me about the families I could choose from.  She mentioned the Smith family and how amazing she thought the mom was.  Ms. Smith is a single mom with an 11 year old and a 2 year old; the 2 year old has chronic lung disease and requires nurse care.  Ms. Smith is putting herself through school but can't find a job that allows her to be home when the nurse comes to take care of Matthew.  Ms. Wheeler kept returning to this family as we talked, so I told her let's go with them.  We have an amazing small group and we gathered enough money to get everything Ms. Smith needed.  She was very hesitant to ask for anything and when Ms. Wheeler suggested a bike for her 11 year old she said to not put that on the list because it was asking too much.  We made sure that kid got a bike!  Anyway, it was an amazing visit and felt wonderful to do for someone else and spread the real meaning of Christmas.  Here are some pictures!

Matthew came up to Dustin immediately and he was by far his favorite!  He would go to someone else for a second but always returned to Dustin!

 Isaiah liked his bike but did not want to take a picture! I couldn't catch him still fast enough!

 Our group with the Smiths!  Matthew is still with Dustin... :)

Matthew is definitely a miracle.  The doctors actually tried to convince Ms. Smith to terminate her pregnancy once they realized all the complications.  She did not want to do that and before she could make up her mind Matthew came extra early.  The doctors said he would not walk, probably would not hear or see.  HE CAN DO ALL THREE!  They are still struggling to get more weight on him.  Once that happens some of the medical items could be removed!  This family was amazing.  Please keep them in your prayers: a job with a flexible schedule for mom and some weight on Matthew.

Thank you!

The Holidays

I am thankful to have wonderful family and friends to celebrate the holidays with, and thankful I live in a country where I can celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ without fear of persecution.

However, holidays (or celebrations of any kind for that matter) are hard, and I am kind of glad they are over.  We were both in "Debbie Downer" moods yesterday.  Hopefully we didn't show it too much...  I mean I know children will not give me purpose. I know who gives me purpose and I know my purpose. But all around me I see mom's hugging their children, singing Christmas carols with them, sharing in the joy of santa and presents.  I want to teach my child the meaning of Christmas, I want to hug this child I love but don't have, I want to hear, "Daddy, look what I got!" and see the joy on my husband's face, I want...

Also, with it looking like God is opening our hearts to adoption, I worry about how the rest of our family will handle it.  I kept looking around yesterday and wondering will my child be included like the others?  Will my child feel just as loved? Will people do for them like they do for the others?  I know in their hearts they might feel differently.  I don't think that can be helped sometimes, but will it show?

I know the only answer is to trust God and deal with these thing as they come.  I know worrying is such a useless and often self destructing thing to do. But sometimes I girl just needs to vent!  I have found this blog extremely therapeutic.  This is not an issue I am comfortable talking about face to face.  I hate crying in front of people, and that is what happens when this subject is broached.  However, I have not had any problems writing about it.  I feel like the burden is slightly less.
So thanks for listening :)

Coming soon...

I actually do have some joyous things to share!  We adopted a family for Christmas and enjoyed spending time with our family. I haven't posted any of it yet, because I can't find the dumb cord to upload the pictures from my camera!

Another one of those moments #2

This post should finally catch everyone up to where we currently are in our story.

I believe I left off with the decision to adopt in about two years.  In the meantime we decided to travel as much as possible and do a mission trip in the summer of 2012.  Well Summer 2012 is coming on us pretty quickly.  Our church does missions to the Ukraine, Cuba, and Honduras.  Ukraine was a place that jumped out to me immediately.  Without really understanding why, I told "Steve" that's where I would like to go.  He wasn't so sure.  He was leaning more towards Cuba or Honduras because he knows a little spanish (very little :)) and thought that would help us with building relationships with the people.  I was not swayed, but if my husband feels lead to one of these places, I would go where he goes.  Our small group leaders mentioned they were looking into going to Cuba this summer and were inviting the rest of our small group to join them.  So Cuba or Ukraine??

We decided to talk to the missions pastor, Chad, at our church and see which one he felt we would be more suited for.  He tells us in an email that he and his wife (who did our pre-marital counseling) feel like we should go to Ukraine, but he would gladly sit down with us to go through the details of both trips.  Sunday we met with him and he asked us what we were leaning towards and why.  Earlier in the week the Ukraine leader posted they were going twice that summer; once to work at a youth camp and once to work in an orphanage.  I wanted to go to the orphanage, and not because I want to try and steal a kid from there or anything but because I feel like my life has lead me to this.  I want to see how it works I want to love on those children.  To explain why, we fill our missions pastor in on our background. He responds, "Well I did and I didn't know that."  HUH???

**WARNING**  This might freak some of you out BUT to me it is just another sign of what an AWESOME God we serve.

He proceeds to tell us that after we ran into his wife Mindy, the week before, she turned to him and said, "They can't have kids and need to go to the Ukraine." This couple did not know our story.  I believe God sent her that message.  Mindy joined us soon after Chad told us about their conversation.  We shared our story with Mindy and she told us her initial thoughts.  She also shared with us some other insights.  Mindy felt Ukraine was still where we needed to go, but no matter where we went it would be pivotal to our story.  It would decide what we did next.  She told us about a friend of hers who waited over 10 years to finally get their children and it took until that moment for them to understand why they had suffered such heartache.  Towards the end of our conversation, Mindy said she didn't feel like our wait would be as long as her friends. That God is an opener of wombs (look at Hannah, Sara...) and she believes adoption is one way He does this.  She also looked at me and said, "You will have your baby."  This was a point she reiterated.  Something she felt like she really needed to get across.

Mindy was not just saying these things.  Obviously we do not take her word as gospel, but we feel like this was a message God was sending us.  We are on the right path.  We are on His path.  Since the decision to not continue with any reproductive treatments, God has made it clear it was what He wanted.  He has another plan for us; something we cannot fathom at the moment but will understand one day.

We do not know 100% that His plan for us is adoption but with each day He opens our hearts more and more to this different way of opening my womb.

We are applying to go the the Ukraine.

A new plan...uh oh!

God brought us restoration through our friend's prayers.  We had hope that we were on the right path, that God had not forgotten us, and our obedience would be blessed.  I began to work on a new plan...  You would think I had learned my lesson right??  God has shown me my plans are nothing compared to His and His are the important ones.  So why do I make plans???  I do mainly because I just can't help myself.  BUT I go into these new plans with the knowledge and understanding that nothing might come of them, that God will change them as he sees fit, and I actually look forward to seeing where God takes us and how he changes those plans.  Through all this refinement I hope one day my relationship with God will be so strong that my plans line up with His will on the first try.

The Plan:
We continue to hope for a natural pregnancy and practice, practice, practice (Ha!!) :)
We plan on traveling as much as possible and are looking forward to going on our first international mission trip.  "Steve" and I have felt like we have been called to do a mission for a while now but always put it off.  We had plenty of excuses... What if we have a baby, what if i can't travel during a treatment, what if we need that money for the doctor, what if, what if, what if.  No more excuses.  We are going this summer and were looking at the Ukraine or Cuba.  We also have trips planned to Italy and Costa Rica.  We are taking this time to travel because "the plan" is to wait about two years and start the adoption process.  So we need to travel while we have the time!  I feel that God has given me a heart for children, biological or not. We can provide a child with a safe and loving home.  We can do what God has called us all to do, take care of His orphans.  I think some people are designed to do this work but need a little push to actually follow through.  I think we might be those people.  I feel I was made to be a mother whether my children are biological or adopted. I look forward to seeing the child God has picked out for us.

Moment #1

I have had such amazing feedback from my first blog and just wanted to say that I am blessed.  No matter where my life goes I am blessed.

Before I share one of the moments that made me want to start this blog I would like to clarify.  These are not the only "awe" moments I have had in my life, but these are the moments that I feel cannot be brushed aside, that are demanding to be shared.

I left my first post with the decision to wait.  After the decision had been made I went into a form of mourning.  I felt like God was telling me I needed to come to terms with the idea that I might not ever have biological children, and I mourned that loss.  I found myself crying at work (my poor co-workers!), crying at home (my poor husband!), and feeling like this was something I could no longer handle.  It got worse when some hope of pregnancy blossomed but was soon proven false.  I found myself praying for just help over and over and then God sent some.

Moment #1:
No one knew about our decisions.  We hadn't told any friends or family yet.  We were tired of talking about it and sure others were tired of hearing about it.  We didn't want to deal with people struggling to give us comfort when that wasn't possible for them to give anyway.  I felt forgotten by God.  On a Sunday night about a month ago I was praying through tears for simply help; help to function, help to not let this desire replace my desire for Christ, just help.  That week God sent some.

On the way to work that morning Steve (this is not my husband's real name but this is what he asked to go by....most of you reading this know his name but also know he is a freak! ha!) and I received a text message from a friend saying he woke up that morning with us on his mind (1).  He wanted us to know he was praying for us and would continue to pray for us in our journey to become parents.  A day or so later I got an email from a friend saying she woke up in the middle of the night with the two of us on her heart (2).  She asked if everything was okay and said she was praying for us.  That same week "Steve" got a phone call from an acquaintance in Dallas who manages some of our finances (3).  This guy knew a little of our story but was not someone we had really shared with.  However, he proceeds to ask my husband about our situation and tells him they have been fasting and praying for us on Wednesday nights.  That week we also got a letter from some close friends who could sympathize with our story (4).  They said they were praying for us and knew our heartache.

None of these people knew what we were going through at the time.  Yes many of them knew we were struggling, but no one knew the decision we had made and how I was handling that decision.  They did know that God put us on their hearts for a reason and our amazing and obedient friends shared that with us.

God's message was clear.  We have not been forgotten.  He hears our prayers and feels our heartache.  He has not forgotten us.  We are a part of a bigger plan.  He has not forgotten us.  He needs us to wait patiently for His plan to unfold.  We have not been forgotten.

Background

Well, first blog post ever... Here goes nothing!

In order for our moments to make any sense, I need to share our background...
My husband and I have been married for almost 5 years, and God could not have found a better match for me.  He is calm when I am...not :), he makes my cheeks hurt from laughing, he is an amazing man of God, and an all around great husband.  He is my best friend.
A little over 3 years ago we decided it was time to start trying to have a baby.  After a year passed with no pregnancy, we went to the doctor for testing.  After tests were run, on both of us, the doctors found what they thought was the reason we hadn't gotten pregnant. We were told insemination would be the next step we needed to take, so we found a specialist and began the process.  This process was one of the most difficult things I have ever had to do.  It is a roller coaster of emotions and draining both physically and mentally.  Our first insemination was not a success.  After waiting for my emotions to level out we tried a 2nd insemination, which was also unsuccessful.  Before starting our 3rd and final session, I asked the doctor if their was any other testing we could do or any other reason the last two treatments did not work.  She offered an option of surgery to go in and check for scar tissue or any blockage.  We chose to have the surgery, and my doctor discovered I had severe endometriosis (a build up of scar tissue causing my insides to stick together---this is the non-medical description of course).  After the removal of all the scar tissue, Doc gave us a 50% chance of conceiving naturally or with insemination the other 50% had to do in-vitro to get pregnant.  From the beginning we said in-vitro was out for us.  I hated all the hormones and stress from the IUIs and in-vitro makes you take even higher dosages of everything... we just couldn't handle it.  A few weeks after the surgery Doc reviewed my levels and told us she still thought insemination was our best shot.  I broke down.  I thought finding the endometriosis was the solution; no more shots, no more blood drawn every other day, no more telling everyone it didn't work, NO MORE!  So what to do now??

I've left out the biggest and most important part of this story so far.  God.  As you can imagine this entire ordeal has been extremely trying emotionally and many ask how we get through it.  The answer is simple.  I have hope in a life far better than this one, an eternity without heartache or fear or disease, a God that is enough no matter what happens here.  I have always prayed for more courage; the courage to share my faith with others without the fear of being rejected.  I often fail miserably when I have an opportunity to share my faith, but not in this instance.  When people hear our struggle I don't shrink away from saying I will be okay because I live for something bigger.  I find joy in the fact that I can see God's answer to my prayers.  I know it is not what I had in mind, but God sees the bigger picture when I only see mine.  I have felt God's arms around me in my most heartbreaking times.  I know he has a plan for me that will bring Him the most glory and that is all I need.  None of this means I don't have nights where I cry myself to sleep or find myself overwhelmed with anger, I mean I am still human.  What this does mean is that I don't get lost in my sadness or anger. I pray and I move on.  I see the joy in this life and love when he turns my "mourning into dancing and my weeping into laughing." He brings me joy.  So when we were faced with the decision of continuing on to our next procedure or waiting we prayed.  During my prayer I got an answer.  Wait.

God's answer wasn't exactly what I wanted to hear, but we will obey and wait patiently for His plan to unfold.  I will not turn away. He is my strength. He brings me joy. He is greater...