So this is life...

 Yesterday my foot was peed on by my two year old and probably my pants too, but I pretended it was just water so I didn't have to waste another hour trying to find an outfit I liked and that fit... It worked out though, because I was only around actual people (adults) for two minutes before I called it quits and loaded two screaming kids back in the car. So if it was pee, and I'm not saying it was, then no one had a chance to wonder what the smell was. I would have said it was Knox anyway. 

While this was going on my husband... What did I finally settle on calling him??? He said he didn't like Steve, that he was just kidding when he said that... Oh yeah, K. I settled on K because Marlboro Man was already taken and that was the example he used when asking for a nickname! I love that man. So my husband, K, was wrapping up a not so great day at work and heading to the hospital to visit his grandfather who was admitted on Sunday and they still don't have many answers....When K and I finally got to talk that night it was such a dose of reality. Life is not a fairy tale. Believe me when I say I already know this, but sometimes reality hits a little harder than normal. Those moments when you realize that as a kid/teen/young adult you had absolutely no idea about real life and being an actual adult isn't quite as glamorous as you thought it would be. Anyway, yesterday was one of those moments. Life is hard. And I have an amazing life. I have an awesome husband who works so hard to provide for his family and is one of the best fathers I know. I have two beautiful and healthy children. I have a roof over my head and food on my table. I have great friends and family. So if I think life is hard, how do others feel? Others who don't have awesome husbands or healthy children or a roof or food.... 

And this is one of the many reasons why I am so thankful I don't live for this life. That others don't have to live for this life. That you don't have to live for this life. I can't imagine going through this life thinking this was it. I live for Christ, the conqueror of sin, the one who has promised an eternity of joy and peace standing in His presence, the one who makes this life worth it ...even the hard moments. Thank God for all the blessings He has given me on earth, but more than that thank God for the hope  of an eternity spent with Him. That makes the hard days not so hard and the good days even better. 

Thankful

Today I am overwhelmed with thankfulness. I have been blessed beyond all measure. I just spent two weeks in South Dakota and Colorado (minus the 4 days it took to get there!). I am thankful for vacation. A time where you can get away from the mundane. I am thankful for car seats. A time where your children are locked down and you can actually get some books read. I read 3 in the 4 days it took to get to South Dakota. I am thankful God created mountains. I am a mountain girl. I think they are beautiful, and I want to live where I can see them and hike through them everyday. I am thankful for my parents. They let us tag along on their trip and make great memories with our babies (who won't remember this trip whatsoever but will have plenty of pictures for proof of those good times!). I am thankful God chose them as my parents and even more thankful that my kids have them for grandparents. I am thankful for my husband, who works so hard to provide for us and who was willing to carry our two year old up a mountain so she could see snow in July (she has been asking to see snow since Frozen...). I am thankful for my babies. For their smiles, their joy, their snuggles, their independence, and their love. Two weeks is a long time to camp in a trailer and a cabin... So I am also thankful for showers that you don't bump your elbows in and that don't run out of hot water two minutes in. I am thankful for my own bed. Enough said. I am thankful for my kid's own beds. Enough said. I am thankful for airplanes, because after 4 days of driving to South Dakota, driving to look at scenery, and 1 day driving to Colorado (all with a 4 month old and almost 2 year old) it was glorious to get home in 3 hours instead of 3 days. I shiver just thinking about if we had to drive home. I am thankful for my home. There really is no place like it (I just wish my home was in the mountains!). 

I am also thankful that on my birthday I was awakened with breakfast in bed. That I got to hear the sweetest happy birthday song from my little girl and the funniest happy birthday song from my parents. I am thankful for birthday wishes. I am thankful for my in laws, who celebrated me like I was one of their own. Because I am and I am thankful for that too.  I am thankful I got to watch Blythe jump for joy when her Uncle B won her a zebra at Main Event. I am thankful for family. I got to spend the evening watching Blythe play with her cousins. Watching them take turns while Uncle B pushed them on the bike around the house (they were actually forced to take turns...it was not their idea). Watching my 4 year old niece tell Knox to look to his left...and she was right!! How many 4year olds know their left from their right????? Watching Blythe and Jewel (2 months apart) sit side by side on the coffee table drinking water and each holding a baby and a blanket. I am thankful for family to make memories with. I am thankful that in God's grace and mercy he has blessed me with salvation and through Him I see the joy in all the small things. It has been a fabulous day. 

A good kind of tired...

I am tired.

My mind is tired. My body is tired. My soul is tired.

My mind is tired because  I have an almost 2 year old and a 3 month old and my mind just can't seem to stop. Do we have enough wipes? Diapers? What's for breakfast, lunch, dinner?  Have I done all the laundry?  Nope, not the towels!  It's time to vacuum again?!? Has Knox gotten enough tummy time? When was his last bath?!? Did I spend enough quality time with Blythe? With Knox? Does a mom ever NOT feel guilty??  Seriously. I'm not just rambling anymore.... Is there a time when you don't feel guilty?  AND  back to rambling.... What's that smell? Who needs a diaper change? When was the last time I  even changed diapers?  Why did I just walk into this room?  Where was I going?  What was I about to do?  Will I ever have a brain again?!?! The outlook does not look good... :) Blah, blah, blah....  I could go on and on and on.

My body is tired because I have an almost 2 year old and a 3 month old. Blythe is full of energy and wants to play from the moment she wakes up to the moment she goes to bed and Knox ... Well it depends on the moment if he's full of tears or smiles or poop :). Blythe still takes 1 nap and Knox takes lots of little ones, but they don't coincide very often. So no naps for mommy (even if I could justify taking one with  the state this house is in!), but at least it gives me some guaranteed one on one time with each of my beautiful babies. My body is also tired because Nicole Stilwell has been kicking its butt! In case you are wondering...Nicole is an amazing trainer (and friend!) who is helping me lose ALL this baby weight.... Down 12 pounds  in 6 weeks!! You can check Nicole out at www.mybrickhousefitness.com!  Sorry, enough bragging and back to being tired.  These workouts have me sore and tired but it's the good kind of sore and tired. The kind of tired that makes you get amazing sleep at night (when your 3 month old allows it) and the good kind of sore you feel from knowing you worked hard and are doing something good for yourself.  It's exhausting but great.

My soul is tired for the same reason my body is tired. The good kind of tired.  I am experiencing a time in my walk with Christ where he is working on me.  He is chiseling away at me, refining me, pushing me and yes I'm tired, but it feels amazing.  I am reading a book called Restless: Because You Were Made for More by Jennie Allen.  I wrote about it a little while ago and I HIGHLY recommend it.  This book compares your walk with Christ to running a race, a marathon.  I feel like I am beginning to understand how to run.  To not just sit on the sidelines but to run the race.  Yes, it can be exhausting but it is oh so good.  Imagine the finish line.  When you are exhausted, sore, hurt from falls during the race, just completely worn out.... and there stands The Lord.  The race is finally over.  You can finally truly rest.  Your hurts can be healed with the promise of never hurting again...with the promise of true rest and restoration...with pure joy.  Now my running might be ugly with lots of stops along the way and would not be possible without Christ, but I still hope I can stand before my savior and say I ran.  I was tired and wanted to quit sometimes, but I ran.  So I run because He called me to run.  I run because He enabled me to run.  I run because He gave me the strength to run.  I run because I want to spend an eternity in His presence.  I run because my desire is to please Him. Yes it is hard and yes I fall a thousand times, but the end is more than worth it.   I am thankful that a God who created the universe still takes time to refine me, to work out my soul.  I am thankful for good friends to run this race with.  I am thankful for authors like Jennie Allen who follow God's calling to teach and to share.  I am thankful for church and small group and small group leaders who encourage and push me to do more.  I am thankful because this race is important, because Christ uses these people to help me continue my run.  This race is the most important thing in my life.  It is more important than my husband, than my children, than my comfort, than my own life.  I cannot sit on the sidelines anymore.  I am running and it feels good.

Surrender...

I started reading Restless: Because You Were Made for More by Jennie Allen this week.  This is what I've needed to hear for a long time.  This is the kick in the butt I have needed.  I'm only on chapter 4 and I feel the pull to do more...to not waste another minute of my short life daydreaming, wishing, planning and START ACTING.  

"Our God is real.

Our God is coming.

Our God has plans for us.

Our lives are short.

WE MUST GET AFTER IT.

Because heaven is coming fast.

And what we are about to do here is urgent.

It's more urgent than we could ever imagine.  We get to play little parts in the epic story of a God who put this whole universe in motion with a word." [Restless Pg. 20]

I've known our lives here are short... 

"...For you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes." James 4:14

But do I really feel the urgency?? If I did, wouldn't I stop caring about what the world thinks of me...wouldn't I run to everyone I know and share the gospel, wouldn't I care less about what my friends think and instead make them uncomfortable with my urgency!?!?!?!?  So what stops me from feeling the urgency? At the end of chapter 4 the author asks what could cause us to miss his plans for us?  Here is my answer: I haven't fully surrendered to Christ.  I am afraid of His plan.  I am absorbed in this world.  I am distracted and idolatrous.  

(1) I haven't fully surrendered to Christ.  

This one might scare me the most.  All my other excuses are tied into this one.  This is a point Ms. Allen makes in her book.  I cannot know God's plan for me if I am not willing to follow it.  If someone asked me if I would give up everything to follow God's plan, my immediate response would be yes.  However, if I am truly honest with myself it would be...I don't know.  I would like to think I am ready for anything.  I have longed to do mission work in another country.  To do something grand in His name....but the key there is somewhere else.  Going to another country to spread His word does not scare me like being asked to spread His word in my own neighborhood. Am I willing to give up my own sense of comfort and security permanently if asked to? Mission trips are temporary and with people I will likely never see again.  I do not like this being pointed out to me.  Surrendering everything is not easy, but I must do it... "because heaven is coming fast." I have wasted too much time already.  

(2) I am afraid of His plan

I am afraid of being asked to do something I am uncomfortable with.  It is such a silly thing.  God created this world.  He created me.  

"And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28

I should have nothing to fear.  Everything He does is working for my good.  My comfort is nothing compared to an eternity without Christ.  Because that is what is at stake here.  Eternity.  I know the good news of Christ and I risk people's eternity because I don't want to share the news and risk my comfort.  That could not sound more ridiculous to me right now.  That could not sound more selfish or cowardly.  I am ready to be uncomfortable.  I am ready to be uncomfortable.  I am ready to be uncomfortable. Christ died for my sins so I can live eternally with Him.  I am called to spread His word.  This is one step.

(3) I am absorbed in this world

When I am focused on this world I have a hard time hearing.  My mind is going in circles and I cannot focus.  Since I've had children I find I have trouble focusing even when someone is talking directly to me.  I catch myself thinking oh crap what did they just say?? My mind is following Blythe around and making sure Knox is okay.  If I can't even pay attention to someone directly in front of me, how can I hear Christ's plan for me?? I know Christ has entrusted me with these two awesome kids and I cannot just ignore them, but I also cannot put my sole focus on them.  I need my time to focus on Christ, on knowing Him and following Him.  

(4) I am distracted and Idolatrous

I think I covered being distracted in my last point and I think I've covered my idols in all my points... Control, comfort, the world/my children.  Lord, continue to show me my idols and strip them away from me.  Nothing should come before Him.

To any of you who read this: please hold me accountable to these words.

Until next time...

1 week...18 months...7 years...

One week ago today we added a fourth member to our family, Knox Baker Knight.  He is pretty amazing....

So the sentence above was all I got written on March 10th before one of the kids needed me.  Now it is March 20th and both kids are asleep (for now!) and I find myself ready to write.  So I should probably change the title to 2 weeks and 3 days, 18 months and 10 days, and 7 years and 10 days... but I'm not.

Now... 2 weeks and 3 days ago I gave birth to the fourth member of our family, our son, Knox Baker Knight.  I went into labor around 1a.m. March 3rd.  I was ready to push at 12:17p.m. and met my little man 33 minutes later at 12:50.  Everything seemed to go smoothly until Knox didn't respond immediately.  I remember Blythe screaming as soon as she came out, but Knox didn't.  The cord was wrapped around his neck twice.  He was screaming before I had a real chance to panic though...praise the Lord.  It's crazy to me how calm doctors and nurses are in a stressful time.  I wanted to lose it when they told me about the cord, but their reaction was so mild and reassuring it made me stop and wonder do I need to freak out or not... Anyway, Knox is perfect and has no problems screaming now (especially at night when he just wants to sleep on mommy's chest and she wants him to sleep in his own bed!). He was 8lbs 2oz and 20 3/4 inches long.  When he came out I thought he looked so much like Blythe.  He's changing now but I still think they have the same eyes and lips.... It's been pretty amazing having a second child.  It feels like this is how life has always been...so much so that I keep having to remind myself that Knox has only been around 2 weeks.  That's why he isn't sleeping through the night and that's why he keeps peeing and pooping on me! Ha! No matter how little sleep I get or how much pee and poop I get on me (and seriously I feel like it's on me at any given moment!) I wouldn't change a thing.  I love that Christ saw fit to make me a mommy of two and I am beyond blessed that he specifically chose me to be the mommy of Blythe and Knox. I have great faith that they will do great things in the name of Christ.

Blythe is a year and half now and has adjusted so much better than I thought she would.  She seems to really love her brother.  She asks for him when I get her out of her crib every morning.  She loves to watch him get his diaper changed and when he cries she tells him, "Mommy hold you."  She doesn't seem to mind that I have to hold him during some of our tea parties or that sometimes I can't hold her because I'm feeding him.  She brings me books to read to her while Knox is nursing or she feeds her baby dolls instead (the same way mommy feeds Knox!Ha!).  She just really seems to understand and accept what's going on.  Just another reason I think she is the best little girl I know. She really does amaze me...not just on how well she is adjusting but just how smart she is.  Anything you say she repeats, she talks in 3 to 5 word sentences now, and remembers everything! Yesterday she said she wanted pizza for lunch (which wasn't even an option I gave her) and when I told her we didn't have any, she told me to go to the store... Really?!?! Like I said, awesome.

Michael and I couldn't have celebrated our 7 years together any better way... hanging out and playing with our babies.  God has blessed me immensely with my husband.  I couldn't imagine spending the last 7 years without him by my side.  He is an amazing man and even better father.  I look forward to the next 7 years, and 14 years, and 21 years....

Until next time...