Surrender...

I started reading Restless: Because You Were Made for More by Jennie Allen this week.  This is what I've needed to hear for a long time.  This is the kick in the butt I have needed.  I'm only on chapter 4 and I feel the pull to do more...to not waste another minute of my short life daydreaming, wishing, planning and START ACTING.  

"Our God is real.

Our God is coming.

Our God has plans for us.

Our lives are short.

WE MUST GET AFTER IT.

Because heaven is coming fast.

And what we are about to do here is urgent.

It's more urgent than we could ever imagine.  We get to play little parts in the epic story of a God who put this whole universe in motion with a word." [Restless Pg. 20]

I've known our lives here are short... 

"...For you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes." James 4:14

But do I really feel the urgency?? If I did, wouldn't I stop caring about what the world thinks of me...wouldn't I run to everyone I know and share the gospel, wouldn't I care less about what my friends think and instead make them uncomfortable with my urgency!?!?!?!?  So what stops me from feeling the urgency? At the end of chapter 4 the author asks what could cause us to miss his plans for us?  Here is my answer: I haven't fully surrendered to Christ.  I am afraid of His plan.  I am absorbed in this world.  I am distracted and idolatrous.  

(1) I haven't fully surrendered to Christ.  

This one might scare me the most.  All my other excuses are tied into this one.  This is a point Ms. Allen makes in her book.  I cannot know God's plan for me if I am not willing to follow it.  If someone asked me if I would give up everything to follow God's plan, my immediate response would be yes.  However, if I am truly honest with myself it would be...I don't know.  I would like to think I am ready for anything.  I have longed to do mission work in another country.  To do something grand in His name....but the key there is somewhere else.  Going to another country to spread His word does not scare me like being asked to spread His word in my own neighborhood. Am I willing to give up my own sense of comfort and security permanently if asked to? Mission trips are temporary and with people I will likely never see again.  I do not like this being pointed out to me.  Surrendering everything is not easy, but I must do it... "because heaven is coming fast." I have wasted too much time already.  

(2) I am afraid of His plan

I am afraid of being asked to do something I am uncomfortable with.  It is such a silly thing.  God created this world.  He created me.  

"And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28

I should have nothing to fear.  Everything He does is working for my good.  My comfort is nothing compared to an eternity without Christ.  Because that is what is at stake here.  Eternity.  I know the good news of Christ and I risk people's eternity because I don't want to share the news and risk my comfort.  That could not sound more ridiculous to me right now.  That could not sound more selfish or cowardly.  I am ready to be uncomfortable.  I am ready to be uncomfortable.  I am ready to be uncomfortable. Christ died for my sins so I can live eternally with Him.  I am called to spread His word.  This is one step.

(3) I am absorbed in this world

When I am focused on this world I have a hard time hearing.  My mind is going in circles and I cannot focus.  Since I've had children I find I have trouble focusing even when someone is talking directly to me.  I catch myself thinking oh crap what did they just say?? My mind is following Blythe around and making sure Knox is okay.  If I can't even pay attention to someone directly in front of me, how can I hear Christ's plan for me?? I know Christ has entrusted me with these two awesome kids and I cannot just ignore them, but I also cannot put my sole focus on them.  I need my time to focus on Christ, on knowing Him and following Him.  

(4) I am distracted and Idolatrous

I think I covered being distracted in my last point and I think I've covered my idols in all my points... Control, comfort, the world/my children.  Lord, continue to show me my idols and strip them away from me.  Nothing should come before Him.

To any of you who read this: please hold me accountable to these words.

Until next time...

1 week...18 months...7 years...

One week ago today we added a fourth member to our family, Knox Baker Knight.  He is pretty amazing....

So the sentence above was all I got written on March 10th before one of the kids needed me.  Now it is March 20th and both kids are asleep (for now!) and I find myself ready to write.  So I should probably change the title to 2 weeks and 3 days, 18 months and 10 days, and 7 years and 10 days... but I'm not.

Now... 2 weeks and 3 days ago I gave birth to the fourth member of our family, our son, Knox Baker Knight.  I went into labor around 1a.m. March 3rd.  I was ready to push at 12:17p.m. and met my little man 33 minutes later at 12:50.  Everything seemed to go smoothly until Knox didn't respond immediately.  I remember Blythe screaming as soon as she came out, but Knox didn't.  The cord was wrapped around his neck twice.  He was screaming before I had a real chance to panic though...praise the Lord.  It's crazy to me how calm doctors and nurses are in a stressful time.  I wanted to lose it when they told me about the cord, but their reaction was so mild and reassuring it made me stop and wonder do I need to freak out or not... Anyway, Knox is perfect and has no problems screaming now (especially at night when he just wants to sleep on mommy's chest and she wants him to sleep in his own bed!). He was 8lbs 2oz and 20 3/4 inches long.  When he came out I thought he looked so much like Blythe.  He's changing now but I still think they have the same eyes and lips.... It's been pretty amazing having a second child.  It feels like this is how life has always been...so much so that I keep having to remind myself that Knox has only been around 2 weeks.  That's why he isn't sleeping through the night and that's why he keeps peeing and pooping on me! Ha! No matter how little sleep I get or how much pee and poop I get on me (and seriously I feel like it's on me at any given moment!) I wouldn't change a thing.  I love that Christ saw fit to make me a mommy of two and I am beyond blessed that he specifically chose me to be the mommy of Blythe and Knox. I have great faith that they will do great things in the name of Christ.

Blythe is a year and half now and has adjusted so much better than I thought she would.  She seems to really love her brother.  She asks for him when I get her out of her crib every morning.  She loves to watch him get his diaper changed and when he cries she tells him, "Mommy hold you."  She doesn't seem to mind that I have to hold him during some of our tea parties or that sometimes I can't hold her because I'm feeding him.  She brings me books to read to her while Knox is nursing or she feeds her baby dolls instead (the same way mommy feeds Knox!Ha!).  She just really seems to understand and accept what's going on.  Just another reason I think she is the best little girl I know. She really does amaze me...not just on how well she is adjusting but just how smart she is.  Anything you say she repeats, she talks in 3 to 5 word sentences now, and remembers everything! Yesterday she said she wanted pizza for lunch (which wasn't even an option I gave her) and when I told her we didn't have any, she told me to go to the store... Really?!?! Like I said, awesome.

Michael and I couldn't have celebrated our 7 years together any better way... hanging out and playing with our babies.  God has blessed me immensely with my husband.  I couldn't imagine spending the last 7 years without him by my side.  He is an amazing man and even better father.  I look forward to the next 7 years, and 14 years, and 21 years....

Until next time...