Highs and lows...

I've always been told that when you are a follower of Christ you have highs and lows in your walk with Him.  Times when you feel closer to Him, bold, passionate...and then times when your spirit is not so filled, you are grumpier, out of sorts.  I am in one of those low times and I'm not sure why.  I mean 1) Christ died for my sins so I can live eternally in His presence and in pure joy
2) He has blessed me with an amazing husband and family
3) He saw fit to make me the mommy of the sweetest, cutest, most fun baby ever
Yet instead of praising His name, I find myself... grumpy with an even shorter fuse than I had before (and it was pretty short to begin with!), a little quicker to gossip, even a little bitter AND I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY!

Is this mood the reason I am struggling with my walk? Or is it because I am struggling with my walk that I am in this mood? I am going to have to go with the latter... Before Blythe I was very consistent with my time in His word, I prayed more, I relied on Him and His grace and plan.  Now post Blythe, I'm asleep before my head hits the pillow, I am in constant thought of what she will need and what my husband and house need, I take it all on and think I can handle it.  No wonder I'm grumpy!!

Without reading His word every night how will I remember it? How will I use it?

For "Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path." Psalm 119:105

"This God-His way is perfect; the word of the Lord proves true; He is a shield for all those who take refuge in Him" Psalm 18:30

Are you grumpy without a light to see your path? Without a shield to protect you? I apparently am...

Without continuous prayer how does my relationship with Christ grow? Can a relationship grow without speaking? How do you get answers without asking? How do I pass my burdens to Him if I am not speaking to Him?!?!? Why do I do this to myself? Why do I think I can handle things better than the CREATOR OF THE UNIVERSE? Why do I insist on making my life harder than it needs to be.  He has offered me the opportunity to lay my burdens at His feet so I can be carefree and joyous and yet I don't... As I said already, No wonder I'm grumpy!

My soul feels the distance from its creator and before I even realize what is happening (because I literally just realized it as I'm writing) I have been searching for something to fill up that distance...and it is not working.  Nothing else will satisfy it.  Blythe cannot fill the space (and what an awful burden to put on her!). My husband cannot fill that space.  Shopping cannot fill that space.  Sleep (no matter how much I miss it!) cannot fill that space.  Decorating cannot fill that space.  Friends cannot fill that space. This is why my spirit is not so full, why I am out of sorts, why I am bitter and grumpy.  I know what to do and yet I have not done it.  I know why I am in the low place... I am angry at myself.  For trying to take my life into my own hands after witnessing first hand how amazing life is in His hands...For not being as smart as I think I am...for making my life so much harder than it needs to be...for resisting the peace He offers...for thinking I can handle things better than Him.  Well that ends tonight!

I'll see you peeps later...I'm going to read my bible and talk to my creator!

Until next time...