Romans 8:28 "We know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, those called according to His purpose."
I believe that whole heartedly. I know this verse does not mean that nothing bad will ever happen in my life, but that God works everything, including the bad things, for my good. So on April 27th when the test said pregnant and on May 12th when something was a little off with the ultrasound and on May 24th when I started bleeding and on May 26th when the doctors confirmed we had miscarried, I knew that God would work all those moments for my good. No matter how heartbreaking those moments are.
But how....
How do you come to terms with not getting to hold the baby you already loved? How do you go so fast from being pregnant to not pregnant? How do you explain it to your other babies? How does this get worked for my good??
The doctors say at least I have two other healthy children... Sorry Doc, but that doesn't lessen the pain of knowing my body expelled my baby into the toilet. Is that too graphic? It's reality. Looking in the toilet and wondering... Is that it?? Absolutely the hardest part. Don't get me wrong. I do understand there are women out there who can't have children and they would do anything to be in my situation. I know because I was one of those women once. However, knowing that I have two children I never thought I would have doesn't take the pain of a miscarriage away. It doesn't erase the heartache.
I've mourned for the past two weeks. Call it mother's intuition or whatever you want...but even before the first ultrasound something just seemed a little off. I didn't have many symptoms. I didn't think the timing was right and then the ultrasound was abnormal. They had no proof of the miscarriage at that time, so they said my numbers could have been off and to come back in two weeks. The longest two weeks of my life. I did have some hope, but I never felt like I did with my daughter. When we got pregnant with her I had a little spotting early on and they put me on some restrictions, but I KNEW I was going to get to hold that baby. God was bringing her to me and He gave me complete peace. I never had that with this pregnancy. I never had peace. Then I started bleeding on Sunday evening and I couldn't see the doctor until Tuesday. The on-call doctor of course says that doesn't always mean a miscarriage. So I remained a nervous wreck... mourning then hoping then mourning again... So the final news on Tuesday was heartbreaking but also brought a little relief. Relief to finally know what I already knew. Relief to grieve and move on.
So how do I move on? How will it be worked for my good?
1. My brain is grasping on to the fact that just maybe it was never a viable pregnancy. Because of the early signs they said that was a possibility... It's not much but it makes things easier for me to grasp.
2. But the main and really only reason I will get over this is because my hope was not in this child. My hope is not in my other two children. My hope is not in my husband or my health or my safety or my plans. My hope is not in this world where, because of the fall of man, babies die and people get sick and hate reigns... My hope is in Christ, the one who defeated sin and promises a world without pain, without sadness. A new world full of joy and love and peace. A world without sorrow and heartache.
13 "But we do not want you to be uninformed, brothers, about those who are asleep, that you may not grieve as others do who have no hope.
14 For since we believe that Jesus died and rose again, even so, through Jesus, God will bring with him those who have fallen asleep." - 1 Thessalonians 4:13-14
1 "The Spirit of the Lord GOD is upon me, because the LORD has anointed me to bring good news to the poor; he has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives, and the opening of the prison to those who are bound;
2 to proclaim the year of the LORD's favor, and the day of vengeance of our God; to comfort all who mourn;
3 to grant to those who mourn in Zion- to give them a beautiful headdress instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, the garment of praise instead of a faint spirit; that they may be called oaks of righteousness, the planting of the LORD, that he may be glorified." - Isaiah 61:1-3
And while I am still in this world, He keeps His promise of turning my mourning into dancing and my sadness into joy.... over time.
You have turned for me my mourning into dancing; you have loosed my sackcloth and clothed me with gladness, - Psalm 30:11
Then shall the young women rejoice in the dance, and the young men and the old shall be merry. I will turn their mourning into joy; I will comfort them, and give them gladness for sorrow. - Jeremiah 31:13
Truly, truly, I say to you, you will weep and lament, but the world will rejoice. You will be sorrowful, but your sorrow will turn into joy. - John 16:20
Until next time...
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